Truce

I'm declaring a truce with my body.  We've been at war for almost two years now.  Oh.  Who am I kidding.  We've been at war since I turned 13 and started getting boobs, the first sign that my body liked to hang on to fat for dear life.  I've struggled with my weight for most of my life.  You've heard it all before.

I made a fatal mistake a few years ago.  I got really thin.  I was training for the 3Day.  Hardcore.  And without my really trying my body thinned out.  I have never been that fit and trim before.  That lasted for a summer and then that fall I was pregnant with Lily.  I will never know how realistic it was for my body to stay like that long-term.  But that has become my goal.  My unrealistic goal.

I hang on to those clothes in the hopes that I will fit into them someday.  I buy new clothes that are too tight, in the hopes that I will fit into them someday.  I bought a cute white skirt a few months ago.  It almost fits, but gives me a major muffin top and is just tight enough to make me feel uncomfortable.  A few weeks ago I got up early and met up with a couple of my 3Day teammates.  We walked 15 miles.  I came home, showered and got ready for a graduation party we were going to that afternoon.  I put on that white skirt.  It dawned on me later that because of how uncomfortable I was in that stupid skirt, I felt fat.  Even after walking 15 miles in under four hours.  That doesn't add up.

I do a lot of things right.  I eat mostly organic food.  I exercise every day.  Usually for an hour or more.  I cut down on snacking and I have been working on eating fewer carbs.  Our big cheat once (or twice?) a week is Chipolte, and I don't even get cheese, sour cream or guac on my burrito!  This is realistic for me.  And this is what my body looks like.  I need to stop comparing myself to my single, child-free, vegetarian sister.  And I need to stop comparing myself to myself-from-three-years-ago.

I hate when people say things like "You look great for having had three kids." or "You're 35 now."  But I'm starting to see the truth in that.  My body is different than it was in my twenties.  And three kids takes a toll on not only my body, but my time and energy.  Two things I need more of if I want to reach my "goal."   

I'm healthy.  I will never be thin, but I'm not overweight.  And when I wear clothes that fit me, I feel good.  So today I'm going shopping.  I'm going to buy clothes that fit this body.  Not the body I wish I had.  Not the body the media thinks I should have.  But, my body.