For the Love

Once upon a time, a friend of mine, after going on many first dates but few second ones, said to me, "I'm just not being swept off my feet." I'd been married for 5 years at this point and my response, much to her dismay, was something along the lines of "there is no knight in shining armor."

Fairy tales have always bothered me, and not just because they make women seem weak (a topic for another day), but because they make love seem easy. Sleeping Beauty is singing in the woods when her prince comes along. And after that magical kiss they live happily every after. The slipper fits Cinderella, and they live happily ever after. Snow White is the fairest of them all, and.. you get the picture. I'm not saying I don't believe in "happily ever after," but I certainly don't think it's quite that easy.

Like my girlfriend, I think most women grew up believing that they will be whisked away by the man of their dreams. That once you meet "the one" and have the fairy tale wedding with the princess dress, it's, well, happily ever after. But personally, I think the wedding and the path leading up to it are the easy part. It's fun. It's exciting. It's romantic. And that doesn't need to go away after the wedding, but it's harder to maintain with bills, busy schedules, babies and sleepless nights.

The other day a friend confided in me that his wife left him. She told him she had fallen out of love. It happened recently and there's still hope that their marriage will work out, but listening to him talk about it got me thinking. I don't believe in falling in or out of love. Love is not something that happens to you. Love is a choice. And love is hard work.

I'm not knocking the butterflies-in-your-stomach feeling you get when you "fall" for someone. It's a wonderful feeling and one of the most exciting parts of a relationship. But that's not love. That over-the-moon feeling is infatuation, and while it's fun and definitely means there's attraction and chemistry, I don't think it's a sure sign that love will follow. Love comes after the butterflies have flown away. Love comes into play when life gets difficult and yet, you choose to stand by that person.

Of course, there is a wide spectrum of "difficult." My life gets difficult when my husband wraps his black socks in his white t-shirts before throwing them in the hamper. Or when he falls asleep in his chair but won't give me the remote. When he chomps his gum. Or when he takes the road with three stop lights instead of the road with one. Oh oh...or how about when he purposely sneezes extra loudly just to annoy me. Even though I don't particularly like him in these moments, I still choose to love him (I promise to write a whole entry on how wonderful you are to make up for this one, sweetie!). I do realize that these are very minor issues and they are all things I easily overlook because of all the other really great stuff about him and our marriage.

Both of us have some baggage from previous relationships that can get in the way at times. He shuts down when he's angry. I'm too blunt and need to talk everything to death. But overall I know I have it pretty easy compared to many other couples. There are some serious issues that threaten marriages everyday; addictions, unfaithfulness, illness, differences in priorities.... Or what about when something changes, like one partner loses his or her job or is offered a promotion in another state. How about intruding in-laws or jealous exes? All of these are reasons why someone might choose to leave a relationship. Or they are opportunities to show each other you have chosen love. I believe that making the conscious effort to love your partner can get you through anything. But both parties need to be totally committed. That's the tricky thing; trusting that your partner will choose to love you in return.

Of course, I am not talking about abusive relationships. Abusers have usually mastered the art of putting butterflies in the stomachs of their victims, creating the illusion of love. It's manipulative and confusing, but I know from past experience that those particular butterflies are about control. And control is not love.

I hope that Prince Charming still loves Cinderella after her feet are swollen from pregnancy. I hope the man my girlfriend married is her knight in shining armor. And I truly hope that my friend's wife realizes the mistake she has made. Big issues or small, I still think that love is a choice. My friend Michelle Trombetta put it perfectly. She said, "Every day I wake up and choose to love my husband." I honestly think it's that simple.