Hunka Hunka Burning Love

Wade and I are in the process of deciding where we are going to celebrate our anniversary this month.  For our first two anniversaries, before children, we got away for a weekend.  Since having Sophie, we're lucky if we get out to a movie.  But this year my parents have offered to watch all three kids for an entire weekend so that we can get away once again.  I knew I would be excited about a break from the kids (it's okay to want a break from my kids, right?) but it caught me by surprise how much I'm looking forward to two whole days alone with my husband. 

Wade brought the kids out to the 3Day for a Cure to cheer me on this past August.  This was the first time that two of my team members had ever met him.  We stopped and chatted with him and the kids for a few minutes, but as we were walking away one of these team members, said, "I bet you have a lot of fun with that hunk of a man."  My immediate visual was of Wade in his chair watching tv, mostly sleeping, mouth open, occasionally making a snorting noise, all while holding the remote and accidentally deleting my shows instead of fast-forwarding through the commercials.  Yea, fun.

But the thing is, my hubby is very handsome.  I just forget sometimes.  Every once in a while when we're out, say, at the grocery store, I'll momentarily see him through the eyes of someone else.  I'll come around a corner and see him deciding which soup he wants (usually split pea or something southwestern) and I'll think, Look at that good looking guy .  And then I remember that that good looking guy is mine.  And that I get to walk up to him and put my arm through his as we walk down the isle (the grocery isle, that is).

Wade and I met at the beginning of our freshman year at St. Olaf college and got to be good friends throughout our senior year.  We started dating about a year after graduation, but I do remember thinking, early on, that I loved his broad shoulders and his brown eyes.  Friends often said, even before we were actually dating, that we looked good together.  We did.  And we still do.  Only now it's harder for us to see it.

Not because we're older.  As a matter of fact, I think we both look better, healthier, now than we did before we were married.  It's harder to see my husband's handsome-ness because there are three little people standing in the way.  I love those three little people.  Very much.  But the chance to spend some time with Wade, alone, for more than a dinner at a restaurant on a Friday night, but for days, is much needed.  To sleep in and wake up without someone standing next to the bed saying "Is it morning yet?"  To have a conversation without someone interrupting to show us his newest lego creation.  To have a meal without the littlest of these people throwing her food on the floor.  Much much needed.

Because, my hope at least, is that once it's just the two of us we will remember (not to imply that we've forgotten) why we wanted to get married and have a family in the first place.  We used to have fun, be silly, hold hands.  That still happens.  Sometimes.  But now we have an audience. Funny how nine years ago having a family with this guy was all I could think about.  And now, all I want is a weekend alone with him.  And I plan to have fun with that hunk of a man.

For the Love

Once upon a time, a friend of mine, after going on many first dates but few second ones, said to me, "I'm just not being swept off my feet." I'd been married for 5 years at this point and my response, much to her dismay, was something along the lines of "there is no knight in shining armor."

Fairy tales have always bothered me, and not just because they make women seem weak (a topic for another day), but because they make love seem easy. Sleeping Beauty is singing in the woods when her prince comes along. And after that magical kiss they live happily every after. The slipper fits Cinderella, and they live happily ever after. Snow White is the fairest of them all, and.. you get the picture. I'm not saying I don't believe in "happily ever after," but I certainly don't think it's quite that easy.

Like my girlfriend, I think most women grew up believing that they will be whisked away by the man of their dreams. That once you meet "the one" and have the fairy tale wedding with the princess dress, it's, well, happily ever after. But personally, I think the wedding and the path leading up to it are the easy part. It's fun. It's exciting. It's romantic. And that doesn't need to go away after the wedding, but it's harder to maintain with bills, busy schedules, babies and sleepless nights.

The other day a friend confided in me that his wife left him. She told him she had fallen out of love. It happened recently and there's still hope that their marriage will work out, but listening to him talk about it got me thinking. I don't believe in falling in or out of love. Love is not something that happens to you. Love is a choice. And love is hard work.

I'm not knocking the butterflies-in-your-stomach feeling you get when you "fall" for someone. It's a wonderful feeling and one of the most exciting parts of a relationship. But that's not love. That over-the-moon feeling is infatuation, and while it's fun and definitely means there's attraction and chemistry, I don't think it's a sure sign that love will follow. Love comes after the butterflies have flown away. Love comes into play when life gets difficult and yet, you choose to stand by that person.

Of course, there is a wide spectrum of "difficult." My life gets difficult when my husband wraps his black socks in his white t-shirts before throwing them in the hamper. Or when he falls asleep in his chair but won't give me the remote. When he chomps his gum. Or when he takes the road with three stop lights instead of the road with one. Oh oh...or how about when he purposely sneezes extra loudly just to annoy me. Even though I don't particularly like him in these moments, I still choose to love him (I promise to write a whole entry on how wonderful you are to make up for this one, sweetie!). I do realize that these are very minor issues and they are all things I easily overlook because of all the other really great stuff about him and our marriage.

Both of us have some baggage from previous relationships that can get in the way at times. He shuts down when he's angry. I'm too blunt and need to talk everything to death. But overall I know I have it pretty easy compared to many other couples. There are some serious issues that threaten marriages everyday; addictions, unfaithfulness, illness, differences in priorities.... Or what about when something changes, like one partner loses his or her job or is offered a promotion in another state. How about intruding in-laws or jealous exes? All of these are reasons why someone might choose to leave a relationship. Or they are opportunities to show each other you have chosen love. I believe that making the conscious effort to love your partner can get you through anything. But both parties need to be totally committed. That's the tricky thing; trusting that your partner will choose to love you in return.

Of course, I am not talking about abusive relationships. Abusers have usually mastered the art of putting butterflies in the stomachs of their victims, creating the illusion of love. It's manipulative and confusing, but I know from past experience that those particular butterflies are about control. And control is not love.

I hope that Prince Charming still loves Cinderella after her feet are swollen from pregnancy. I hope the man my girlfriend married is her knight in shining armor. And I truly hope that my friend's wife realizes the mistake she has made. Big issues or small, I still think that love is a choice. My friend Michelle Trombetta put it perfectly. She said, "Every day I wake up and choose to love my husband." I honestly think it's that simple.

Taking life one sip at a time...

Around 10:00pm most evenings it dawns on me that in approximately eight hours I get to have my first sip of coffee. That's how strong my love of coffee is; it's the last thing I think of as I'm falling asleep and the first thing I think of when I wake up (Sorry, Wade). I love the smell as it's percolating. I love the sound as I pour it into my cup. I love how it mixes with my creamer to create the perfect color of delicious silk. And I love the first sip. The first sip is my favorite...

But that first sip is my favorite for more reasons than just the taste (ohhhh, that sweet, smooth, glorious taste). That sip wakes me up. And while I love coffee, I love many other things as well. Of course, I love my husband and my kids (who wouldn't?) and after my first sip (alright, my first cup) I'm ready to happily (ok, fine...) greet them all as they enter the kitchen each morning. I also love hanging out at the bus stop with the other parents, going to the Y for my workout, walking in and around my neighborhood, going to Valley (my grocery store) or wandering around Target allowing myself to be tempted by all the unnecessary items. I'm perfectly content to watch my kids at their sporting events or meet a friend for dinner (or, of course, coffee!!). I don't love cleaning my house, but I do love when it's clean. I love texting. I love my job, volunteering at church or school, reading stories to my kids or walking to the park. I love reading a good book and then chatting about it with my book group and a glass of wine. I love to knit. I love going for boat rides at Rabbit Lake or sitting at the kitchen table with my in-laws.

As I've entered my 30's I've realized that I spent most of my life nodding in agreement with what other people said, even if I didn't necessarily agree. I don't want to be that person anymore. I have thoughts and opinions and I'm finally ready to start sharing them, apparently publicly and on the internet. I don't consider myself to be an offensive person. Or someone who will try to start an argument just for the sake of arguing. But I have realized that there is nothing wrong with sharing my opinion and it's also just fine if not everyone agrees. I'm a mom, but I don't define myself as a mother. I'm also a wife, sister, daughter(-in-law), Christian, volunteer, vice-president, tutor, friend and now, hopefully, somewhat of a writer. This blog is going to be about all of that. I don't want it to revolve around my kids, but they are a huge part of my life and so they will probably play a large role in my writing. However, this is also an escape for me. And chance for me to explore my beliefs and challenge myself to step outside of my comfort zone.

That's what I want this blog to be about, not just coffee. I want to write, and I want to write about my life, my ideas and perspectives. This blog is for me, but you're welcome to follow me on my journey. And it all starts with that first delicious, eye-opening sip of coffee.