Just weight a minute

I joined Weight Watchers Online.  I swore I wouldn't.  I claimed I could do this on my own.  I said I wasn't going to do anything drastic to lost these last ten pounds.  But I did it.  I joined.  Today.  Actually, about five minutes ago.

I know how to count points.  I've gone to WW meetings in the past, when I was trying to lose weight for my wedding and again after Sophie was born.  I've also counted points on my own and successfully lost weight.  But this time has been different.  This time has been harder. 

I can think of several reasons (read: excuses) why it's been harder this time around.  I'm older.  I don't feel older, but rationally speaking I am older now than I was the last time I lost weight.  And I'm over 30, which I know is this magical age where fat cells become more permanent.  Stupid fat cells.

Those are easy explanations, but I know that the above is not the reason I haven't lost weight in the last six months, despite my "trying."  I haven't really been trying.  I have said that I'm trying.  I have even convinced myself that I'm trying.  But I'm not really doing it.  And here's why:  I'm terrified.

I spent a good chunk of my young adult life over-weight.  Not obese, but overweight.  I lost weight for my wedding.  But even at my wedding I weighed more than I do right now.  After I had Sophie, almost seven years ago, I worked to lose the baby weight.  I did, and then I kept losing.  All of the sudden I wasn't overweight anymore.  I was normal.  Healthy.  Thin.  I felt good and I looked good and it had been relatively easy.  But just as I was realizing that I could feel good about my body, feel happy, sexy, attractive, I found out I was pregnant with Max.  I ballooned.  I gained over 50 pounds.  Even pregnant I looked fat.  Not cute fat.  Fat fat.

But my saving grace was my best friend's engagement and I was going to be the maid of honor.  A week after Max was born Annie, two of her other bridesmaids, her mom and I went looking for bridesmaids dresses.  I was too embarrassed to try anything on, but the other two did and we found a gorgeous dress.  I ordered mine four sizes smaller than my measurements dictated.  The sales woman scoffed at me and said "you know, it's much easier to take a dress in than it is to let it out.  There simply won't be enough fabric."  Eight months later I tried it on in the dress shop fitting room.  I had lost about 45 pounds.

The following year I trained for my first Breast Cancer 3Day and lost even more.  I kept that off for two years as I fell in love with exercise and started to eat more natural and organic foods.  I loved the healthy example I was setting for my kids.  For the first time in my life I enjoyed trying on clothes, getting dressed up to go out for dinner, wearing a slinky black dress to a wedding.  But all along I knew it wouldn't last.

I knew we were going to have another baby, so I knew I was going to have one more "free-for-all."  Two years ago I found out I was pregnant with Lily.  Initially I swore that I was going to do better, eat better, exercise more.  But as the morning sickness set in and Doritos are all that sounded good to me, my will-power wilted.  You've read about my struggles with that baby weight and nursing. 

We're done having babies.  There are no more "free-for-alls."  This time, if I lose the weight, when I lose the weight, it's for good.  It means making healthy choices for the rest of my life.  If I have my way, that will be a very very long time.  I want to make healthy choices because I want to have a long, healthy life.  I also want to fit into my cute summer cropped pants in time for my trip to Arizona.  I've been afraid of committing.  But I think I'm ready.

I was shopping with a friend of mine today and we saw lots of really cute clothes.  I kept thinking, as I looked through the racks, This will look good once I've lost these last ten pounds.  But when am I going to lose them? 

So, I joined Weight Watchers Online.