All Apologies

I'm a bad apologizer. Well, I used to be, at least. The turning point for me was a few years ago, during an argument with Wade. I have no recollection of what we were arguing about, but I remember that it ended with my saying "I'm sorry that you made me so mad." At that point Wade just burst out laughing at how ridiculous and non-apologetic my apology was.

I've been thinking about apologies quite a bit lately. I suppose because I feel that I'm owed a few and I'm not getting them in the form or sincerity I had hoped. But that's not what this post is about. It's about how apologies go wrong.

Let's start with the "kid apology." These are easy to spot, just stop by my house at any given time on any given day. Max hits Sophie or Sophie takes a toy away from Max. One or both of them step on Lily. After the appropriate discipline actions are taken, the perpetrator says the obligatory "I'm sorry." It's usually said as quickly as possible and lacking any eye contact. Some parents add the mechanical hug to make it more heartfelt, but I've just forgone that all together as it usually leads to another wrestling match and more forced apologizing. Now, I agree with the concept of having my kids apologize and every once in awhile I hear those words spoken from their sweet little hearts. But for the most part these words carry little meaning. And I've wondered at times if, by forcing my kids to say they are sorry, I'm teaching them it's the words that matter, and not the feeling behind them.

If you're anything like me, it's really hard to admit when you're wrong (mainly because I never am). But that's what a real apology is, or at least what it should be. It's about taking responsibility for words or actions that in turn hurt someone else. Admitting that what you did was wrong. Even when it's unintentional. Even when you didn't know better. Even when you thought what you were doing was right.

Unfortunately, many apologies have all the right words, but manage to somehow shift the blame off the offender. "I'm sorry that your feelings are hurt." Sounds alright, but where's the ownership? If your feelings are hurt, doesn't it make you feel better if I acknowledge that I'm the one who hurt you instead of deflecting the blame off into the universe.

My other favorite is the "I'm sorry, but..." It never ends in the true spirit of an apology. "I'm sorry I yelled at you, but you scared me." "I'm sorry I hit you with my car, but when you crossed the street I didn't see you." "I'm sorry your hair turned green, but you said you wanted to try something new." That but completely negates the heart-felted-ness. There's no admittance of wrong doing. As a matter of fact, more often than not, the blame is put back on you, the one who was wronged.

What I've found over the last few years, however, is that when I really apologize not only does the person I hurt feel better, but I feel better too. There's something cathartic about asking forgiveness and then letting the guilt go. But it's not the words that make the difference, it's the emotion, the feeling, behind them. It's in the eyes of the one apologizing. It's in the acknowledgment and release of the pain. It's a place for the relationship to start healing.

The words are just the beginning. What proves a true apology is what follows. I believe that an apology is like a promise. It says that I will not hurt you, wrong you, in that way again. It doesn't matter if it's saying hurtful things, cheating, lying, hitting, whatever it may be, it won't happen again. And if it does, that promise is broken and the next apology means a little less.